My Daughter Died Before Me My Journey

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I am a survivor despite the tragedies that have happened to me.

Gina was my only daughter, and the first-born of my three children.

Gina was a fun loving person with a bright, bubbly personality. She worked as an Occupational Therapist in London for the last few years of her life and she worked mainly with handicapped people.

She suicided at 25 after many months of depression which was not noticed by any of the professionals at her work.

It is now over 20 years since I was in hospital having tests for an unknown sickness, caught whilst holidaying in Asia.

At around 3.30 a m one morning, I was awakened by nurses shifting the old lady next to me out of the room. Very strange, as she'd had a small operation, and appeared to be perfectly healthy.

Shortly after, I was again wakened by my children's father bursting in the now closed door and stating "Gina is dead!"

I said "No, she's not" (she was living in London and was currently on holidays in the Cotswolds and then going to an abseiling course), and I turned away from them all.

Not long after this I was asked by the nurses if I wanted a pethidine injection, which I had been receiving for the past few days. I immediately said "yes" but did not realise till some time that morning, that pethidine will only cure a physical pain -raw, mind boggling emotional pain was not relieved by this previous wonder drug, which had put me in a euphoric state!

I then feigned pain for the next few days (as the reality very slowly sunk in) so I could have these needles, even though they weren't helping, as in my confused state, I thought if I continue with this, eventually this new pain will not exist. WRONG!

Much later, I realised what a strange coincidence it was -- while my only daughter lay undiscovered in the woods in England for a week, I was admitted to hospital in great physical pain. She was found by a passing Ranger at about the same time as doctors discovered what was wrong with me.

I was one of the "lucky" ones! Spared from having the police go to my door in the middle of the night as I was in hospital and not home.

A lot has happened to me since then.

My life has totally changed, my thinking, my fears, my social life, my friends, and my priorities.

I have not become a "better person", I have simply become different -- different to my old friends, different to other families.

I have not become a "stronger" person -- I must have been strong to come through the most horrific thing life could deal a person i.e. the death of a child.

It is difficult for me to explain the depth of pain I felt for so long – I could not eat and I still remember my partner forcing food down my mouth – I could not sleep, yet I was too tired to get up.

I cared about nothing and just wanted to die as at the time, I believed I would see her again.

The guilt set in fairly soon.

I was a failure as a mother, I could not even do the natural thing in life -- look after my children.

Why hadn't I noticed anything was wrong? Why did I say the wrong thing when her only love died? Why didn't I meet her for our joint holiday as had been planned? Why had I criticised her as a child? What sort of a person was I to let my friend and daughter die?

Yes, the list of "whys" went on and on in my head.

A short while after her suicide, another strange coincidence happened. The very first boy who had liked her as a teenager (they were about 14) also suicided.

Once again I felt guilty.

This new suicide must have been as a result of my daughter's -- not directly, but it must have triggered off a reaction in another young troubled mind.

Once again, guilt became a huge part of my mixed up emotional state.

Then her grandfather died nine months later (my Dad). He never quite got over the death of his favourite and only grand-daughter.

More guilt -- now it was also my fault that my mother was even more miserable.

Today, I can see a lot of the guilt was unfounded, though a small part of this useless feeling will always be with me.

I did not believe that I would ever get better. I have, despite my own earlier suicidal feelings, my own lack of will to go on in life.

A part of me died when my only daughter Gina, died.

"To forget is to deny,
To remember is to survive,
Our memories are their survival"
Author unknown

I will never get over her death; I will never stop loving or missing her; I will never forget that bright, bubbly personality that was, my daughter, Gina.

However I am now glad I am alive despite the recent death of my eldest son, and good friend, Todd.



#Matters_of_the_Heart


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