Custody Battle Hacks for the Intelligent Mother

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Your soon-to-be ex (hereafter STBX) has assured you that he has all the evidence he needs to take full custody of your precious children and you are scared.

Single motherhood looms menacingly, haunting your quiet moments. Your heart is pretty much destroyed and financial strain is already taking its toll on your sanity. You are truly frightened that STBX can and will make good on his threat to take the kids away.

Don't dissolve. Breathe. You have a mother's heart, and when it comes to your children you are a lioness! You will do whatever it takes to protect your young.

In court, however, you must play it cool. Here are some custody battle hacks that might help things go your way in court:



1) Never say or write anything irrational to your STBX because he is likely to record it or print it out for his lawyer. Losing your temper gives him evidence to substantiate his false claims against you.

2) Understand his lawyer is telling him whatever he wants to hear. STBX desperately wants to believe his attorney's assurances of a glorious victory. It's comforting and he believes what he is told. That doesn't make it true, though! Don't let his lawyer's words intimidate you. They're only words.

3) Distract your STBX by seeming to invest lots of emotional energy to the issues that don't matter most to you. For example: you want custody of the kids, so you make a fuss about how much you want the house. Meanwhile, you slip the 'Tie-Breaker', or 'Final Say' clause under the rug; hiding it deep in the language of the divorce decree as though it's a mere formality.



4) Don't use drugs at all, and don't drink when the children are in your care. Regardless of your personal philosophy, these matter to the judge and your STBX will use any societal deviance against you if he can.

5) Keep your house clean. STBX will not hesitate to call social services, so be ready with a fresh kettle of tea and a clean fridge. Invite them in with kind vibes if the show up at the door. They are doing their job and usually they're social workers because they care about kids. Plug into your shared motives and treat them like you'd want to be treated in their position. They're people too. Moreover, their testimony is paramount to a judge.

6) Don't waste time trying to get dirt on your STBX. Just devote yourself to making sure your children are healthy and happy. Remember to take care of yourself too!



7) While in mediation and/or court, don't use words like "abusive" and "misogynistic". Yes, he was absolutely an abusive misogynist kumquat. HOWEVER--you must avoid sounding spiteful. If you say anything about STBX at all, say that he is "difficult", "negative", "not very involved", and "hard to get along with". This makes you sound more reasonable and mature compared to the punkass claiming that you're a psychotic lesbian child abuser on drugs.

8) Keep in mind that divorce/custody proceedings are only temporary. This is a time of intense transition. Keep calm and endure a little while longer and you'll soon have resolution.

9) If you truly believe your children are in real physical danger with your STBX, don't allow them to go with him and alert the police.



10) If your children aren't in real physical danger going with you STBX and he asks for visitation, let them go. Neither make your children feel weird about spending time with their father nor question them when they come home. Resist the urge to probe and simply love them up when they get home. This bolsters your reasonability, saves you stress, and reinforces your children's feelings of emotional safety and respect when they are with you.


11) Be the one to bring your child(ren) to their medical, dental, religious, and extra-curricular appointments, and keep receipts for all fees paid. The status-quo is often what judges like to maintain in a child custody battle, so if you're the one doing the heavy lifting parentally, you're very likely to be chosen for the job permanently.

12) Don't sling mud in court. Hold your head up above the fray and prize your dignity. Let your STBX make a fool of himself by accusing you of unholy acts and bestial abominations. You are a queen, and you have your priorities straight!

13) Wear somber clothing...like you're going to an upscale funeral. If you have dreads, cover them in a demure head wrap and remove your piercings. Play down your fringy side for a little while. Most judges are relatively conservative, and will experience your more conservative appearance as respect for their own values.



14) Keep your answers simple and short. Don't let opposing counsel provoke an overly emotional response in you--that's what they want. It's helpful to consciously modulate your voice and concentrate on breathing evenly and quietly. Getting upset will only serve to substantiate STBX's claims against you.

15) Ignore all attempts on your STBX's part to engage you in marital arguments prior to court or mediation. Focus on the goal at hand: maintaining your children's stability and getting legal custody.



A custody battle can be utterly terrifying, but keeping your wits about you can shorten its duration and intensity. Remember that it's all about the children! They need a chill Mama now more than ever.

Good luck!



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