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Why I'm Scared to Say 'I love you'

by steff (follow)
Matters of the Heart (34)      April Contest (21)     
When he hugs me, my body hums, my world becomes so small, itís just me and him in that moment. The rest of the world slows, blurs and all I see and smell is him. My heart beats faster but time is slower so I feel every thud. As he holds me I feel a warmth inside me I have never felt before. I want to touch every inch of his skin in that moment, to meld into him. To become one.

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When he kisses me I never want to kiss another again. His lips touch mine and I donít want to ever taint them, I want them to be only for him to enjoy. And one is never enough, when he kisses me good bye in the morning, that fleeting kiss makes me want to call out for more and makes him coming home all that more special because I may get another one. But I look forward to that goodbye because it means we get to kiss. Before him I didnít enjoy kissing, it didnít faze meÖ now itís one of the most intimate things we do. Our kisses say so many things our words do not. If he says goodbye without a kiss it feels like we didnít say goodbye properly.

When he smiles at me his eyes light up and so does my world. The smile says so many things, it keeps him youthful and playful, the cheekiness behind the smile that comes with a joke reminds me that he will always have a youthful streak and that makes me go THUD as I fall for him a little more. That smile, it makes me want to kiss him, to hug him, to tell him how I feel. That smile reminds me that he cares about me, reminds me that he enjoys my company, that he finds me attractive. In the moment where I fell in love with him, he was smiling at me.

I crave his touch, not sex, I crave him. I crave feeling his skin against mine. I crave feeling his fingers entwined in mine. I crave feeling his heartbeat as we sit and watch a film. I look forward to still feeling this happy when we are old and past it. I look forward to looking back on these times and knowing he still gives me the same warmth on the inside.

When I watch him with my daughter, I know I have made the right decision in bringing him into her world; as scary as it was I know he will never hurt her. He has embraced every parenting decision I have made and supports them all, even if they are different to how he parents his own children. He adores my daughter, she adores him back and it makes me adore him more. I feel comfortable with them together, I feel she is safe with him and as a mother that is a wonderful feeling. Watching your child interact with the people you love makes you glow.

When he refuses to sleep until he knows I have stopped crying and am ok, he makes me feel safe. Itís an amazing feeling to feel safe when much of your life has been unsafe. I feel like I will never be unsafe again. I feel like I can be me, the complicated me, and he will always be there.

This man makes me feel sensational. I walk around in a little bubble of happiness which I refuse to pop, for anyone. My problems are simple, and I feel extremely grateful for that. My big problem is usually what I want for dinner. That is where my life is at. I have a home, a beautiful daughter, an amazing man, awesome friends. I am immensely rich. I am immensely blessed.

But I am afraid, I am afraid to utter those three little words. Sober, without tears, without fear, I want to say ďI love youĒ. Every time he smiles at me the words get caught in my throat. Every time he hugs me the words strangle themselves in my mouth. Every time he kisses me he takes the words with him. And I donít know why I am scared. Iíve been hurt, sure, but Iíve already told him I love him Ė drunk, I will admit, but he didnít run for the hills. He stayed. I know he loves me. He knows I love him.

I have never been afraid to tell someone I love them. It has been easy with both the men I have been in love with. I felt like it was easy to say, it rolled off my tongue like ďgood morningĒ does.

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And that is why I know this is the real deal. Because his hug tells me that I am his world, his kiss tells me he saves the most intimate parts for me, his smile says he wants to remember the moment forever. Iím not afraid to tell him I love him because I feel he doesnít feel the same way. Iím not afraid to tell him I love him because I think he will leave. Iím not afraid to tell him I love him because I think he will hurt me.

I am afraid to tell him I love him because I know he is the last partner I will tell it to.

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