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I don't write..

by Calluna (follow)
(I suspect this flows better when read aloud. You'll have to imagine we're in a basement somewhere listening to me reciting to artsy type people...)

I dont write anymore; the inspiration is gone.
I cant fight anymore; its my turn to run.
I need it to end; I've nothing left to give.
It hurts more to breathe, now, than the idea of walking away.

What is it that keeps me here?
Whats making me stay?
Its not the kids, no partner, not family, nor friends.
No. The only thing that is holding me back
Is that I lack the courage
I so deserately need to turn it all to black.

Back... To watch the clock slowly unwind
To watch my life in reverse
And spot the moment my entire self was defined.

How can I live out my life, this broken existance?
Why would I want to, is there something I'm missing?
How can I fight this urge to end it,
How can I keep pushing on when I cant even understand
What I'm doing here to begin with.

But life just keeps rolling along
Play dates, appointments, activities..
For the kids.
Events, moments, keep smiling..
For the kids.
While they learn to crawl; learn to walk; learn to run; learn to leap.
I keep pushing; keep fighting; keep going..
For the kids.

What do you do when it all falls apart?
What do you do when youre not good enough?
When your best falls short and all you do is hurt,
How do you fight when your soul is weak?
How do you keep going when you are too tired to speak?
How do you smile when you just want to run?
How do you keep going when all you want..
Is endless sleep?

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