Birthing choices - No place for a man

by lizzi (follow)

Birth (105)      Men (1)     

I’m still hearing stories of men trying to talk their partners out of their birthing choices. And I’m still hearing of other women trying to convince women that this is okay. That women should be willing to compromise their birthing choices and give up their legal right to informed decision making all in the name of keeping their men happy. And I’m still saying (like a broken record!) THIS IS NOT OKAY.

*Legal perspective: This point is brief because it’s clear. NO-ONE has a right to tell you how to birth your baby. Not your doctor, not your mother in law, not your best friend’s cousin and not your husband. That is, at this time, supported by law.



*To the men: If you don’t believe that your wife is fully capable of making the best possible choices for her family then why the fuck are you having children with her? By dissing her birth choices and trying to force her into the choices you prefer you are basically saying to her (and the whole world if she shared it on facebook) that you don’t believe that she is a good mother, you don’t believe that she loves her children above all else and you believe that her human rights are irrelevant. I can assure that she is NOT the one that is coming off looking like an unreasonable ass.

*To the women suggesting compromise: Oh my God the irony of this is killing me. Seriously. Many of you will support a woman’s right to choose something different to her OBs recommendations. I know that you support this because I’ve seen you do it. And that is great. You are fighting for women to not be subjected to caesareans that have been forced on them by their OB. You are fighting for women not to be bullied by their OBs. So let me get this straight – women deserve the right to make choices that go against their OBs medical recommendations, but do not deserve the right to go against the emotional whims of their husbands? It's not okay for an OB to bully a woman into a caesarean but totes cool for her husband to do it?

I’d like to also examine the use of the word compromise in these situations. I think that it is important to be exceptionally clear that we are not actually talking about compromise as in “meeting in the middle”. We are talking about compromising the woman’s rights and telling her that her husband’s wishes are more important than hers. When you tell a woman that she should consider her husband’s feelings in these matters you are essentially telling her that she should simply shut up and do what he wants. That’s not okay and you should really refer to point one.


*To the women who are struggling with unsupportive partners: It’s okay to want him to be happy with your choices. It’s okay to feel that his support validates your feelings of being a good mum. I get that. No-one wants to feel like their husband doesn’t think they are capable. But here’s the truth – you are capable. You are a great mum. You are able to make the best decisions for your baby, yourself and your family. No-one loves your baby more than you. How your partner is behaving is not okay. It is your right to make your own decisions and there are people out there who will support you and your rights. But also know that giving in to his wishes doesn’t make you a bad person and doesn’t mean that we will refuse to support you. Because at the end of the day it is always YOUR choice.



At the end of the day the person whose body is on the line should always be the one to make the decision. No man has ever died from caesarean surgery. No man has ever been held down and forced to undergo a vaginal exam. No man has ever been subject to obstetric violence. When will we stand up and say that no man is allowed to take away our legal rights to birth our babies how, where and with whom we feel safest?

#Birth
#Men

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